he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
