I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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