tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize