WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
