I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
