I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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