Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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