There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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