i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
did i just pee glitter
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