today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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