his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
