Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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