I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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