I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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