We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
FUCK WHALES
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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