It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
