Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
