I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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