I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
