if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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