so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
