It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
