So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
