wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
