Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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