Can i not drive my cunt home
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
