If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
