How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
