Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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