the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
