someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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