Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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