I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
