At least make sure they are 18
Why
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
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I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
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in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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