you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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