I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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