Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
