I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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