Plan B is the new Plan A
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
