dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
