I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
