She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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