My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
