Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
