i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
