i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
