weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
