We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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