Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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