Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
