We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
