I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
