Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
