On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
