2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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