Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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